Sunday, 15 July 2018

The Love of Your Life vs The Love For Your Life

Some days ago I saw a tweet in relation to Justin Bieber's engagement to Hailey, which said
"There is the love of your life and love for your life, the love of your life will be your weak point for a long time, but it won't work, while the love for your life is the one that works in a complete way. There's the one that's right and the one you want to be right."
and I thought, ok this could be true, retweeted and moved on. However two days later, the truth in this hit me hard. I have an older friend who has been in love with his ex for a decade, things didn't work out and he married another girl but still holds a candle for her in his heart. He tells me this almost every time we see and I often feel bad for the three of them and their unfortunate triangle. Yesterday, I attended a BBQ in his house and observed him with his wife and how easy their relationship seemed to be and then I thought of his ex, whom he still loved and everything fell in place. His ex was the love of his life and really his weak point and as great as their love was, it just didn't work out. And here was his wife, who had been his best friend at some point now assuming the position of "love for his life".

I couldn't help but wonder if this is the case for everyone, is there always the love of your life and the love for your life? And if so, have I had the love of my life already? OMG, wait will that be the current situationship I've been trying to move on from?? Dear God, NO!

Do you agree with the tweet?

Monday, 2 July 2018

Derivatives and Men Talk

Men don't know what they want they want but they don't want you to tell them what they should want or do, in other words nag. So as a woman you need to master the skill of guiding the man to make the decision in your favour without necessarily using your words.

Confused? It doesn't stop there.

I had a Derivatives training today by FMDQ that was doing my head in by the 4th hour. So I was happy when we broke for lunch and I was seated with two of my colleagues, engaging in a light conversation till it took a dark turn once we started talking about relationships, as always! One of my colleagues reiterated a point my mother made to me two years ago. With the seriousness of a heart attack my mother once said to me
"Bondi you can't have only one boyfriend. What happens when you break up? You'll now be sad for a long time. No, you need to have three boyfriends. One that you're serious with, one that you talk to when the first is misbehaving and another that can replace the two at any given time"
She also went on to caution me about long term relationships with no future, giving me a 6 months timeline. And I'm not saying my mother hexed me but none of my relationships have passed 6 months since then. Thanks mum!

I digress, back to our lunch table discussion. My colleagues go on to warn me about putting all my eggs in one basket. One is married so clearly she must know her stuff right? Then she says that you can never really let a man know that you're available to him. In addition, she advised that if I find a good man that I should just die there. However, I shouldn't let him know how into him I am. Yes, I must play some sort of mind game where I'm verbally saying "I'm not ready/available oh". So I shouldn't go to his house and be washing dishes but I should find a way to be around him all the time to mark my territory. I shouldn't nag him about defining our relationship or taking the next step but I should continue being "Unavailably available" (not a word but who cares). I'm sorry but is dating these days this complex? I can't be out here solving algorithms in the name of relationship. And if you find a person this complex, you gotta throw 'em away.

Then later that evening, my friend showed up and guess what was on the menu again, you guessed right; men. She goes to lay a legit complain about how a man had actively pursued her but the minute she showed interest, it was over. So I asked one of my male friends why and he says, "the truth is men don't like things easy". Shooot me! So what you're saying is, when I find a man that I like, I gotta play this game of not being easy so he can stay interested? Look like my friend said that night
"It's 2018, if you find someone don't force it but don't front"
And that's the only advice I'm taking from the whole day.

So what are your thoughts? Have you like my friend shown interest and lost his attention? Should we throw men away?

Tuesday, 12 June 2018

Broken Moral Compass?

Today at lunch time, I went to one of the empty meeting rooms on my floor to cool down as my attempt of walking away from a colleague that had just annoyed me. Unfortunately when I got to the room, it wasn't empty but had another male colleague in, who was on a call but motioned for me to join him nonetheless. I accepted his offer and sat on the other side playing a game on my phone. When he was done, we got into a conversation and talked on so many things where we kept clashing on opinions.

In the course of discussing relationships, he said any woman over 40 who was unmarried was that way because of her attitude. Strike one. I quickly objected stating that there were various reasons why a woman could be a certain age and unmarried e.g. God's timing, not her desire, high standards, men intimidated by her etc. To emphasize his point, he told me he had recently met a 31-year old virgin and when he shared that with one of the Deputy Directors in my office, he was advised to run away. Reason? She could only still be a virgin because men avoided her cause of her attitude. Ah Funkeeeeeeee!!!!! Today was the day I knew I could keep my temper under control LOL. My chest was hurting me.

Are you telling me we are so far gone as a society that values mean nothing? That instead of attributing this woman's choice to staying a virgin in the 21st century to perhaps godliness and purity, we instead blame her attitude?! And forgohsake can a woman be unmarried at a certain age and still live? Is this the standard we are subconsciously letting seep into society so that women find themselves getting married or losing their virginity at a certain age so they would be accepted by society and not blamed for having an attitude problem? Wonderful.

Interestingly, just the other day I saw a comment by Diaryofanaijagirl that she had never heard of marital status being used as an insult against a man. Which is so true! I can bet my June salary that if the roles were reversed, no one would say that a 31 year old man who is still a virgin is because of his attitude or that a 40 year old man was unmarried for the very same reason. Although I can make a case for the second scenario, LOL, just kidding. But on a serious note, where can we reset our society to factory settings please?

Monday, 28 May 2018

Lagos Diary: Update So Far

So.... I've been in Lagos for two months now but I swear it feels like a lifetime!!! I thought this year was going to be about Living My Best Life and it is but sometimes I forget just how hard adulting can get. One minute things are going so fine and the next it's not. Let me recap

  • Living alone is overrated!: I was initially overjoyed about getting my own space, living out my Being Mary Jane alter ego and just being an "adult". But I'll tell you what, sometimes I feel so lonely it sucks. I feel like ever since I moved to Lagos the devil has been working harder in attacking me but that's story for another day. Another reason why living alone is overrated; just last week I fell in the bathroom and bruised my knee badly and then I had the flu all in the same week and I badly just wanted to curl up in foetal position and cry out for my mummy
  • Lagos people don't know how to talk especially the men. I feel like a crash course should be introduced in school on what not to say as an adult because half of the trash people spew out of their mouths here, Lordttttttttt take the wheel. I'm always torn between being the bigger person and giving them the response they need
  • I feel like I need to go get my blood pressure checked. I feel mentally drained all the time and exhausted. Which doesn't make sense because I had this insane schedule in Abuja, like sometimes I don't know how I found time to do half the things I did and somehow I didn't feel as exhausted as I do here in Lagos
  • The restaurants are insane. That one I'd give Lagos over Abuja anytime. You can't compare the social life here in Lagos to that in Abuja. Frankly, I think they've been cheating us back home. SMH. Also, I think my bank card is about to break up with me since I'm clearly not respecting it anymore. Lagos is way more expensive than Abuja, do not be deceived. In fact the next time I'm home, I won't price anything or complain!
  • On that note, don't ask me about my fitness journey because it will appear that my waistline and this city are in some sort of feud! SMH
  • Living alone makes you soul search especially when you have a lot of free time on your hands. I got myself into a situationship with someone that I really like, post for another time. And despite the fact that I know that I deserve better, I find myself coming back to this same person because I need companionship and he's available. I know you're going to ask me about my friends but sometimes I feel like I don't have anyone because they all have different priorities now; married, mothers or engaged. Yup.
  • Now that I drive in Lagos, don't tell me there isn't any challenge I can't overcome. It's like the hunger games in these streets. TSK
  • Coffee is my new best friend. Pre-Lagos, I just liked the smell of coffee from always making it for my dad while growing up, now it's like where was this precious gem the last 25 years of my life?!
  • Why are Lagosians so darn angry and hostile?? Who hurt you? Ugh!
  • Is it just me or is making new friends as an adult more difficult??!
  • Lastly, who broke the moral compass of Lagos? Seriously, let's talk. Why is cheating and sugar daddyism so normal and acceptable these days? What is still sacred in this city?????

Wednesday, 28 March 2018

Never Say Never

I remember when I got the call that I was going to be posted to Lagos. I had been privileged to get a heads up a day before receiving the official letter. I went silent on my side of the line for a minute as I tried to process the information. After I hung up, my mind went into overdrive

"But my whole life is in Abuja..."
"Chai so I'll enter Lagos struggle" 
"What church would I even go to?"
"Oh my gosh, my children" (i.e. Children's church)
"OMG, Lagos men... Yoruba demon headquarters... I'm never going to get married"
"Oooh I can finally explore Lagos culture"
"Whoooop I get to live alone"
"Wait... how am I going to move my stuff?"
"Ugh, my car... how will I move round Lagos?
"Oooh maybe this is how I get a new car"
You get the point. I was going through the motions for the rest of the day, happy one second sad the next. I was like a broken thermometer, going all over the place. By the time I got to church that evening, the sad thoughts had won the battle and I couldn't even concentrate in church. I was so heavy in my spirit that I couldn't hide my distaste during testimonies. I couldn't even praise and worship properly. Eventually, I got a grip on myself and whispered "God please speak to me".

Instantly Pastor got up on stage and began to encourage us. It was like God had sent her to speak directly to me. I walked into the auditorium sad and downcast but walked out all smiles and encouraged. Don't tell me God doesn't speak, He does. The question is, are you listening?

So here I am, about to embark on a whole new adventure in a new city but I'll tell you the catch, God has a sense of humour. I said I'll never work in civil service, gbadam! God dropped a job in one of the prestigious government agencies in my lap. It was such a smooth process that I know it had to be God. Interestingly I had applied for this one and another one I really wanted at the same time. I actually applied for this grudgingly as I really wanted the other one in an international development agency.

I said I'll never live in Lagos and even if I got a job offer, no matter how much I was offered, I would turn it down. Gbam! God moves me to Lagos.

So now I'm here sitting down and thinking of all the "I'll never..." I've uttered in my life because it seems as though God is having a laugh.

Anyways, people have had various reactions to my move but I realise that it's not what they say that matters but what I say. And trust me, I've heard some of the most discouraging and negative things from people close to me. In fact one of my friends said this to me when I told her where I'd be staying

"Ahhhh that's Yoruba demons' headquarters oh. That's where married men who are committed to cheating keep a flat"
Siggghhhh. I mean I know she was only cautioning me but all it did was plant a seed of fear. It might be true or not but one of the things I walked out of church with that evening was, you will have what you say. So sure, people have had bad experiences in Lagos and I can keep shut and accept their account or I can open my mouth and declare what I want in line with scripture. I choose the latter. Here's to a wonderful Lagos experience. Yoruba demons HQ or not, I can assure you that my love life will not be taking a blow.

Who knows? This may result in a Lagos Diary series on the blog and revive my writing.


PS: I've already moved to Lagos, this post is some days old LOL 

Monday, 29 January 2018

Getting Even

I had a funny encounter in Children's Church yesterday when I found myself separating two young boys in a physical fight (I teach class 6&7 btw). When I asked what had happened, one of them said the other had stepped on his shoes, which her in his defence were pretty cool shoes. Anyways when I asked the other why he had reacted that way, he said
"My mummy said I should beat anyone that steps on me"
I was torn between horror and amusement. Of course I corrected him on the godly way to react and made them hug it out but it reminded me so much of a similar encounter between my sister and my aunt. One of our neighbours who was her friend had punched my sister, so she ran home crying and met my aunt who retorted "ehen what happened to your hand?". My sister then went back and punched her too, resulting in neighbour-girl losing a tooth. So much for tough love eh? LMAO

Ps amusing as this all is or not, let's be careful what we teach kids in their formative years. Less we breed mannerless humans with no proper conduct of themselves.


Thursday, 25 January 2018

All That Jazz

I don't go to Hilton (Transcorp) except I have a reason mainly for two reasons;

  1. The perverts and
  2. The perverts
Yes. It is almost impossible to be female and go to Transcorp without some father trying to hit on you and get your number. So except I have a reason to be there, I won't aimlessly go to Transcorp. Yet I found myself there tonight, for a good reason of course. The U.S. Embassy was having a Jazz Concert in collaboration with Play Network which I had been looking forward to cause I hadn't been to a Jazz event in about 4 years.

So there I am, all dressed up and walking from the car to the building when a young lady stops me and asks if we could be best friends for the night (uhm...) cause her friend stood her up and she didn't want to be alone. At this point, the gravels and my heels aren't being quite friendly so I didn't stop to process her request. We hadn't taken two steps past security before we were accosted by this large man offering us a "prize", which he claimed we had to follow him to get. Someone's father, Someone's husband. *Sigh* Unfortunately, I couldn't walk any faster as I didn't want to slip on the tiles and be the next internet sensation on instablog9ja or Linda Ikeji so I played mute and allowed my "best friend" to endure the conversation with him. We had to fake collect his number and promise to text him for him to let us go *intense eye roll*

It wasn't till we got away that I got a good look at my new best friends and realised that I may have befriended a questionable character. This I based on the questionable conversation that followed after we got away from him. *Double sigh* I just needed to get to my table and sit, which we did thankfully after I did my fair rounds of saying hi to familiar faces at the event. I thought I was gonna relax and listen to some soothing jazz but who did I see as I took my seat?

Drum roll

My ex boyfriend......


There's a reason why I don't like to go to Transcorp.

Tuesday, 16 January 2018

When Friends Become Strangers

Source: Ravishly

I'm currently reading 'Don't Settle for Safe' by Sarah Jakes Robert, who I'm fangirling so bad. Everytime I get a pop-up notification of a new sermon from her on the podcast app, it's like Christmas morning to me. I just connect so well with her, I can't explain it.

So here I am this evening, nursing a cold (from going running in the morning without dressing properly) and reading the chapter on 'Frienemies' when I stumble on these words that hit home,

"It's imperative to remember that just because someone was with you through a hard time doesn't mean he or she will be with you for a long time. One of the hardest parts of growing up is learning to let people go"
Only one person came to mind as I read those words, so I underlined them and wrote her name beside it. Let me back track a little, friendships mean a lot to me because there was a time when I didn't connect with my family so I turned my friends to my family. Of course because I was putting a lot of unvoiced expectations on them, I tended to get disappointed. I could never separate disney friendships from reality. I was the friend who but BFF jewellery and mugs, and believe me if the mug broke, I took it as a sign. I was intense like that hahaha. However, in my pruning and stretching season, this was something I got to work on and I'm still working on it.

Back to said friend, we met during my Masters and hit it off. We got along so well she became my new best friend and it was so convenient that we were in the same department in Uni. I bared my soul to her and told her things that I had never told other people. We made the cutest memories that have flooded my iPhoto memory. When we moved back to Nigeria, we remained close till something happened between another friend of ours and I. She took sides and started to give me attitude and that hurt. What hurt more was that the other friend and I made up but she and I never did. Then one day I woke up and realised she had blocked me on every platform. I was shocked and now I partly understand how people feel when they are blocked so I'm cautious with by block option these days LOL. It's been almost two years but I still wonder why. That break-up hurt more than some of my actual relationship break-ups because I valued our friendship so much. She was there with me through one of my hardest break up and through Masters, which was tough for both of us. So when I read those words, she really was the first to come to mind.

In retrospect, I feel like she was there for a season not for a lifetime. I don't harbour any negative emotions towards her and sometimes I do forget about her existence, probably because I mentally blocked her out. However, from time to time, I wonder how she is and why we stopped being friends. It's funny how Abuja is small but I haven't even bumped into her in about two years. What happens when friends become strangers?  

Monday, 15 January 2018

A Girl Called Ashley

My fave picture of Ashley and I 

Sometimes life sends you a gift in the form of a person, that you vibe with so well regardless of how long you've known them. That's Ashley for me, one of my best friends. She isn't the oldest friend I have but she's the closest to my heart. I remember the first time we met in Coventry, it was for a mutual friend's 90s party and we hit it off instantly...

Anyways, remember my last post about feeling lonely? So Ash calls me out of the blue to go on a date. Technically she's my boyfriend, even her boyfriend has said so, so it isn't that this was the first date we were going for but it was the timeliness of the date that warmed my heart. Not that I had told her or anyone about how I was feeling, and I can almost assure you that she doesn't read my blog but we went out for dinner at Pow yesterday.

So there we were, two fierce young loveable women (uh huh) being grown ups, discussing grown up topics lol and me being my usual melodramatic self with all the drama going on in my life. Then the bible verse of the day (YouVersion app) pops up on her phone. Guess what it is
"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2
It just so happen that it was in the middle of pouring my heart out to her that the verse popped up on the screen. Ain't life funny? It just felt like I was being reminded that I was not alone and of course, I had someone to talk to about everything. I think it's important to have that friend that you can pour your heart out to without the fear of vulnerability or being judged. Everyone needs somebody. And it felt good being reminded that I had someone who made the effort to give me a listening ear, just cause she felt I needed to be treated. Also, for someone whose love language is Quality Time, I was happy having my love tank be refilled and not only that, she put her phone aside the whole time to give me her undivided attention (the attention whore in me was definitely having a field time LOL).

Jokes aside, who's your somebody? Are you that somebody to someone? When last did you make time out for a friend from your busy schedule? Love languages aren't only for lovers, fill up your friends' tank too.

Ps. Who loves Pow? Their sushi is amazing, then again they are the only ones with sushi that I know of and tried in Abuja.

Friday, 29 December 2017

The Ugly Green Eyed Monster

I’m the excited friend, I’m the one who screams her lungs out at your good news. Actually shriek is a better way of saying that, cause it’s more high pitched and could cause momentary deafness. I’m the friend you usually call to share your news with because my genuine excitement would motivate you. I didn’t crown myself that friend, the people around me put that label on me. All along I thought I was just rejoicing with a friend but they said I was the kind of friend they would call with their news first because of the reaction they knew it would get out of me. And hearing that made me happy, knowing that they knew I wouldn’t hold any bitter feelings towards their progress in life. 

So tell me, how did I find myself unconsciously making room for the green eyed monster aka envy recently? And what's funny is, jealousy sometimes creeps up on you without you realizing so. It starts with a sense of entitlement, like what about me Lord? Why isn't that my news? I do everything right.... I recently found that all of my friends were in successful relationships and most likely getting married in the coming months and I felt alone. ALL of my friends and I kid you not are in a relationship and moving on, and it made me feel lonely. It wasn’t that I was pining for a relationship, I just wanted my friends. They were either always on dates or on a call. I felt lonely because I felt like I was being deserted for their significant other. I remember this one day when I just needed a friend and everyone I called was busy. I genuinely felt deserted and I may or may not have shed a tear. But thank God for Jesus (cue hymn “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”). I’m realizing more and more to take my emotionally needy ass to Jesus and less to humans. 

Anyways, back to the green eyed monster. Because I missed the companionship of my friends, it bred room for a little resentment and jealousy of their new found loves. Especially a friend of mine who I had gifted date coupons to because her love life had suffered a major hit. When I gave her those coupons, I had no ulterior motive, it was genuinely because I wanted to be there for her so she wouldn't feel a love vacuum in her life. But it wasn’t till I went through a rough emotional patch (not related to a man -_-) that I realized that maybe I need a date coupon to be redeemed so I could have someone to pour out my heart to. She found a man and she never redeemed the coupons and really that’s where the jealousy came in. I didn’t feel needed, I felt like just cause she had a new man, she didn’t need me as friend to be her “pseudo-boyfriend”. And it sucked. I’ll be honest with you it was a terrible place to be in. There was so much on my mind but all my friends seemed so happy that I didn't want to burden them with what was wrong. I would be with this group of friends and still feel lonely because I had no one to talk to about it. 

How could I, the genuinely excited friend, be seen as struggling with a little bit of jealousy? That was weakness, and it couldn’t be shown. So I struggled till I believe the Holy Spirit pointed out that “you my lovely seem to be dealing with the ugly spirit of jealousy”. It’s amazing what a simple prayer can do and admitting the problem. Anyways, I’ve dealt with it Prayer-wise and here I am sharing this little problem that I had because I know, it just can’t be me who has found themselves battling the green eyed monster at some point in their life. Anyone care to share how they dealt with jealousy? 

Ps it is true what they say, misery loves company. Not that I want everyone to be single with me oh.

Pps it is also true that the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. Had I continued in denial of this green eyed monster, I would never have been able to admit that there was a problem and the Holy Spirit won’t have been able to help me. Sorry, non spiritual folks.