Tuesday, 29 July 2014

A Flawed Woman

Can you love a woman as flawed as me?
My scars run deep
And my hurt knows no boundaries
There's an anger that burns within me
And sometimes I lash out
Can you take that?
Can you take my crazy and accept my love
as flawed as it is
When I try to push you away
Would you walk away or would you
Fight for me?
Do you expect perfection
Because I'm not
I have thick walls that guard my heart
Not because I fear commitment
But because I fear wasting my time
So again I ask you
Are you man enough to handle a woman like me
I don't trust easily
And I don't love easily either
But I love hard
Believe me when I say it's hard loving a woman like me
So can you handle it?

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Don't Grow Up, There's No Coming Back

Being a grown up is overrated. I watch my little sister try soo hard to be older than she is and I pity her. I was like her once, wanted to be a grown up and have my freedom, freedom to make my own decisions. But being an adult is the hardest thing. As a child, my biggest issues revolved around what dress to wear to church and what channel to watch in the day and silly math homework. As an adult you take on responsibilities. You have to go to school, get good grades, get a job. Pay the bills. Pay the rent. Look after yourself. Look after others. And when you make mistakes, no one necessarily scolds you, life deals with you adequately. And then you long for the days when you were swatted on the bum cause that sure was better. 

As an adult no one tells you what to do, no one corrects you cause you're an adult. You're supposed to know. If you screw up, hey that's your fault. So I watch her long for her freedom but that's her biggest imprisonment and she doesn't even know it. She's going to be a slave to her own choices. You either get it right or you don't. I'm still growing and making mistakes. While she wishes to be like me, an adult, I long for the good ol' days of being a kid and getting scolded.

The worst part about being a grown up? No one tells you about the responsibilities, they get bigger and more intense with time. And the bigger the responsibility, the bigger the mistake. But it's okay to make mistakes, at least that's what I tell myself on the days I feel overwhelmed. It's okay to make mistakes, they may be painful but they are the only way to find out who you really are. 

Monday, 21 July 2014

The Drug That Is Love

Why do we stupid unreasonable and selfish things in the name of love?
Fool ourselves trying to change someone, or keep coming back to that same person when we know they aren't any good for us.
Look the other way,
compromise on the big things,
try too hard and even break all the rules when we know better...

Because love is a drug, it is a stupid addictive drug that you can't get enough of. You get hooked and you just keep doing stupid over and over again. It's a pain that you can't get enough not because you're a sadist or masochist but because love has that effect on you. You try to get sober and it strings you back in. A cute smile, flirty eyes, a sugar coated tongue and you're right back where you started. It intoxicates your mind, clouds your judgement and shuts your brain.

All the songs out there about being drunk in love or love being addictive, it's not because they don't have anything else to sing about. No they string a bunch of words together and add it to a nice little beat, probably as a warning or a reminder to let you know what you're getting in to but we don't listen.

We bop our heads to the beat, mouth the words and walk right into the trap, hooked again because no amount of sobriety could save you.

Once you're hooked on love, you're a dead man walking. 

Saturday, 19 July 2014

The Key to Happiness

The mistake most of us make is thinking we would be happier or finally happy when we get something or achieve a certain thing. That's our first mistake, thinking happiness is relative. That's pleasure.

Happiness should be absolute. The key to being happy is accepting life exactly as it is in that exact moment with all its craziness, perks and disappointment.

You're not going to be happy when you get more money because it will never be enough. You're not going to be happy if you lose weight because there will be the struggle to maintain the weight or a new goal to achieve. If you treat happiness as a relative concept (I can't believe I just said concept, blame my dissertation), once that thing passes so will your happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind, choosing to be happy no matter the weather or your situation. That's true happiness. I really don't know why I'm blabbing about happiness at 1am in the morning, LOL. Back to my dissertation....

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Thesis! Where is thy sting?

If I had a dollar for everytime I've cried out of frustration from my MA dissertation, I'd be rich. Ok not stinkin' rich but I'd be able to host a couple of friends to a meal or buy a new outfit. I've never had anything test my patience like this thesis.

Somedays the words and ideas just keep flowing, those days are rare by the way and other days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and sometimes I do. I'm not a cry baby but I enjoy crying, it makes me feel better afterwards. Atleast it beats smashing my laptop. 

I honestly cannot wait to be done with this paper so I can sleep for 24 hours straight and watch Grey's Anatomy for the first time from season 1. Yes it's been a couple of firsts for me. Watched 'Coming to America' for the first time ever on Saturday, don't judge me. 

I wish I could be travelling the world right now or be with family and friends without worrying about theoretical perspectives and case studies. Ugh. But this is where I am now and what I've got to do so....

Maybe I should start a club for depressed Masters student haha, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of us out there. Anyways that's my life these days, how's yours? Hopefully better...


Saturday, 12 July 2014

Sad Eyes

I had never seen such sad eyes in all of my life
She looked so sad and hopeless
And her eyes were also swollen
I could tell she had been crying
And she sat there
Such a pretty girl with sad eyes 
And I kept wondering if I should go over and talk to her
Or hug her
But she was gone before I could make a decision
I wonder now if anyone spoke to her
Or made her smile that day
It was heartbreaking to think that she would go to bed without having been comforted
But that's London for you
Not just the weather is cold
The people too

Sunday, 6 July 2014

It's A Wonderful Life

I am thankful for the taxes I pay each year,
Because that means I have a job.
I am thankful for the mess I have to clean up after the party,
Because that means friends have surrounded me.
I am thankful for the lawn that needs mowing,
The windows that need cleaning,
And the gutters that need repair
Because they mean I have a home.
I am thankful for sore muscles
And for weariness at the end of the day
Because it all means I was able to work hard.
I am thankful for the lady behind me in church who sings off-key
Because that means I can hear.
And I am thankful for the alarm that goes off early in the morning

Because that means I’m still alive