Saturday, 29 November 2014

How I survived Camp

Before I start saying anything, it was the grace of God that kept me at camp. I must give Him thanks because he alone deserves that glory.

The last thing I expected was that I would stay at camp, let alone in a different state but somehow I did it. I survived camp in Benue state for 20 days. First of all, Dettol was my bestfriend. I baptised the bathroom with dettol every time I was going in to take my bath. Luckily the bathrooms were manageable but I always timed my baths to when the man had cleaned it in the morning and in the evening. 

I moved around with my sanitiser in my pouch. I sanitised at every opportunity I got. Ebola might be gone but I won't take chances with other germs. I then got myself on antibiotics medication, thanks to a pharmacist who fancied me (making good use of the opportunity, right?). I was ill quite a lot at camp, irritations, flu, migraines but nothing major so thank God for that again. 

Of course in a camp of over a thousand girls with different backgrounds, I had to be extra careful who I associated with. Luckily God blessed me with one good girl who I stuck with through out camp. Although I was friendly with all, I drew the line at our friendship. My motto was "friendly with all, friends with few". That way I avoided conflict. Because you don't want to know half of what these girls did when the sun went down. Sticking to one friend was about the best decision I ever made because I saved myself from the countless fights that broke out every hour in the hostels. I'm not kidding or exaggerating. If there wasn't a fight by the hour, something was wrong. 

After I had mentally accepted that it was God's will I then decided to tune my thinking. Some days, I pretended I was in a Nigerian version of 'Orange is the New Black'. Oh yes. I assumed the role of Piper, except less annoying and naive and I was no one's prison's wife. I'm yet to figure out what my crime was, being too sexy I suppose. I actually found myself in handcuffs one day (platoon joke, not to worry), so it all blended in well. Whenever we had sanitation, I pretended it was community service -__-  

Other days I pretended I was on a very low budget holiday in an uncivilised village somewhere in Africa. Yes. It worked. I constantly had to change it up so I wouldn't feel miserable. Other times I told myself I was writing a book and I was out here for research and experience. Lol I'm not crazy, I swear. But the truth is, if you change the way you see things, the way things are would change for you. I found that I never went to bed sad and I laughed almost every day because I fine tuned my mind. Works like a charm... 

I tried to get as much from my orientation camp as I could because truth is, it's a once in a lifetime event. And it's situations like this that help us develop character. I've learnt a lot from the three weeks I stayed at camp. I learnt to be true to myself regardless of where I find myself. So many girls found this time as an opportunity to be loose. One girl in particular admitted that she wasn't going to redeploy because her family was too strict and she could get to do whatever she wanted away from them. So they fooled around with corpers and soldiers because they had found themselves a little freedom. Sadly, I was told some married women did this too. I also found that just because I wasn't in a five star hotel or in my home didn't mean I would neglect my personal hygiene. I still showered twice a day and cleansed and toned my face twice a day too. I gave my clothes for laundry everyday and I hydrated as much as I could. I say this because some girls left their manners as well as their hygiene at the gate or at their state border. It shouldn't be so. Always be a lady no matter where you are with whatever resources you have. 

I saw life in a different perspective and came to appreciate the many blessings I have. It's so easy to become greedy and want more but sometimes you need to be taken out of your comfort zone just so you can see that there are people with way less than you have. Now I know I'm entitled to nothing but all I have, I've been privileged to have them. And for that I'm more than humbled and grateful to God. I learnt to appreciate the little things of life more. 

I ate at only one woman's place in mami. A friend had introduced me there and she was kind enough to take orders from us ahead of the meal time. So while others ate the usual indomie and egg and fried foods that every other food place served, we occasionally got pancakes, fried rice and chicken, spaghetti etc. it's important to stick to one person because jumping from cook to cook could result in an upset stomach. And you really don't want that at camp. I was weary of eating meat at camp though and can count how many times I did even at the lady's place. Plus there was a funny rumour going on about some of this cooks using jazz to keep their customers, yikes. 

Not to brag but I got male attention everywhere I went. And everyday a new boy approached me. I could never be alone because it created opportunity for them to walk up to me. Luckily I told a group of soldiers I was engaged and so I think they announced within themselves that I was off limits but still didn't stop the attention from the corpers. I had two options, enjoy the attention or carry myself the way I would want my daughter to. I took the second option. 

There was never a quiet moment in the hostels except when everyone was asleep or out at the parade ground. As I found myself in the middle of Yoruba association room and a room of people they always stole from, it was always noisy. You wouldn't believe how loud it got *sigh*. I constantly had to plug in my earphones at the loudest volume to tune out or fall asleep. How I never got headaches, I don't know. 

Anyways, camp is over and I'm glad it is. I learnt a lot and maybe your experience would be better than mine or not. I can't tell but if you don't try you'll never know. A big fat thank you to all who checked up on me and prayed for me while I was away. I'm home, safe and sound.


Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Camp Diary: Day 18

Yet another uneventful Sunday. I'm just ready to get out of here. Today can be summarised as hot and boring. Ugh 

Well except, there was this one boy who came to "toast" me. Soon as he heard they were sharing allowance, he ran away and left me there LOL. Then he later came back. If you were me would you even take him seriously? Na wa oh

Camp Diary: Day 17

One day to go. I just realised that I miscounted the days but who cares. Today was pretty chilled. Because the variety night ran late last night, we were allowed to sleep in. Thank God. 

I overheard a girl bragging to another girl of how she does her business at the back of the hostels. I was at a loss for a reaction. How mannerless. Something we were almost punished for. She's just glad camp is over. I hope she learns proper hygiene. And the other friend didn't even chastise her. Smh. 

It's a day to go and I must say, I'm a bit disappointed at the camp experience. Everyone kept saying 'camp is fun, you'll enjoy it' but honestly there's been nothing that fun about camp. I never went out for the social events in the night but I never heard good reports either. The two nights I went out were nothing to write home about. I only realised this when a friend asked me if truly camp was a good experience. Although I said yes he still questioned what exactly was fun. He said the only good thing about camp were the times we got to sleep or go to mami. Lol well.... I guess I have to admit there was nothing spectacular about camp then. 

Camp Diary: Day 16

Sorry there's no entry for day 15. I was so engrossed in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie that I was oblivious to my surroundings yesterday. I even dodged the lectures in the afternoon so I could hide to read it and I'm really learning so much. I wish everyone in life would pick a copy and read it.   

Redeployment came out today. I'm back to Abuja. Yaaay. And our movie was exhibited today in front of 2000+ people. It was exciting and terrifying at the same time. This is it people, I'm going to be a big movie star! You better start famzing me -_-

Camp Diary: Day 14

Woke up today to find out that my bunkie's nieces name is the same as my sister, Janada. What a delightful way to start the day. Haha :) 

I've been enlisted to act in a short film. The producer insisted I must act the part even with my excuses, *sigh*. I had no choice but to do it so incase I become a movie star, this was my debut. 

In the evening Corpers played against soldiers in a volley ball match. And we won of course. I think we might get punished, LOL. Zuby and I went round provoking soldiers and screaming at the top of our voices. Upon the fact that I have a sore throat and I wasn't feeling fine earlier today. 

I came across a book stand in mami market and almost went crazy. There were so many books I wanted to get and read. And I was deeply impressed with their selection. I'm currently reading "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It's been on my "To Read" list and once I saw it, I knew I had to get it. Something to keep me busy during tomorrow's lecture. Tihihihihi 

Camp Diary: Day 13

Today I saw a pretty young girl selling pure water on her head without her shoes on. It made me so sad that I didn't realise when a tear dropped. Camp is filled with many kids below the age of 14 as young as 6, selling bathing water, drinking water, fruits and hustling in any way they can. And most of them hustle without shoes and it bothers me even though they are very used to it. Even the little babies of the women trading in mami market, hobble around without shoes on so its something they are used to from a tender age. 

Observing them has made me realise more just how privileged I am. And not just them but being in this camp and observing a lot of things. All I have is not because I'm entitled to it but because I was privileged to have been born on the other side. And there's a part of me that wishes a lot of the people I know could see this. So they'll know there's more to life than Chanel bags and Gucci belts. So that the next time they were "unfortunate" to not cop the latest luxury good, they wouldn't pout but re prioritise. And so that this false idea of "competition" that exists within certain circle of privileges friends would stop. Yes, the friends who secretly try to outdo each other, sizing each other's worth just so they appear to be richer or what not. It's juvenile and it actually happens. But there's more to life than that. There are kids on wannune surviving on the amount of jerricans of water they sell or by engaging in menial jobs like carrying boxes for some of the Corpers just so they can survive. Question is, what can we do to reduce the poverty level in Benue state? 

Camp Diary: Day 12

There's a particular girl in my dorm I'm worried about. She's allergic to clothes, her breasts are always out on display and in the full nude. I just don't get it. In a dorm full of over 200 women... I get being comfortable in your own skin, I am proudly comfortable in mine but I'm not cat walking round hostel with my breasts on display. Very puzzling behaviour...

We started our skills acquisition classes today. Zuby and I carried out indomie legs to "Dish Installation". The only thing I heard from the two hours long lecture was "press 1814 on your remote". What he said before that I don't know. What the key combination does, I also don't know. All I know is I have 7 more days in this place and I need to ply my escape from the March past. 

Camp Diary: Day 11

I've been quiet for 10 days but I feel like ranting today. I'm appalled and worried at the behaviour of many of the women here. I don't understand why a dormitory full of women should be this filthy. We are women for crying out loud! I believe the least age here should be 21/22, are they trying to tell me in their twenty something years of living, they haven't picked up a thing or two on hygiene? Or that they weren't trained at home on personal hygiene?

Why in the world would you do number two around the hostel? Just this morning, some girls were sent out to go pack the shit. Later they announced that if the culprit didn't come out we would all go and pack it ourselves. We then decided to contribute N10 each to pay the man who cleans the toilet to do it and some girls were fighting about ordinary N10. Honestly, rich or poor what will N10 do to you? Would you rather we all get punished for something we didn't do or just pay for a professional to clean it. If they do go through with that punishment, I swear I would walk out of this camp and forget about my certificate. God forbid! Pack another persons faeces. The person could have atleast "shot put" it. How disgusting. 

Also how can someone use the toilet without flushing it? Do you not realise that continuously washing and bathing in front of the hostels would turn it into a breeding ground for mosquitoes and God only knows what else? 8 more days, I really cannot wait to be back home and in the comfort and cleanliness of my own home.

I'm worried that these are people who would become wives and mothers in the future. Are they telling me they are only saving the cleanliness for their own homes or they weren't trained properly? O ma se oh. It is well with my soul. Thankfully, I've stocked up on antibiotics. I won't be a victim to anyone's disease breeding ass. 

Camp Diary: Day 10

Quite an uneventful day. Still part of the March past and I'm not happy about that. Oh I noticed tan lines on my body, which means I'm definitely darker now *yikes*. 

I take back my comment about the uneventful day. Yoruba association next door are fighting. Someone claims her gold was stolen. They complain about stolen goods everyday, are they the only ones they are stealing from? My head is paining me sef 

After trying to escape the Yoruba women and their shouting, I ran into an annoying "toaster". I escorted my friend to buy something at mami water when someone tapped me on my back. I turned  
Man: hello can I talk to you for one minute
Me: okay 
Man: please it's personal 
Me: so you want my friend to go away
Man: no I just want to talk to you in private even for just a minute

I take three steps from my friend so she's still around me 
Me: ok you have one minute 
Man: I saw you when you passed and you captivated me. I stood for a while trying to decide what to say to you before I approached you. And I'll like to get to know you better 
Me: ok before you carry on I'm engaged 
Man: wow, wow, wow (pauses for a minute) but can I still be your friend
Me: no I'm sorry I can't do that. I'm going to be a married woman soon, you have no business being friends with a married woman
Man: you're already cutting me off without giving me a chance. I've never been this captivated before. I'll cut off when you get married

At this stage, I'm getting irritated fast. 
Me: I'm sorry but I'm really not interested. I'm engaged and I respect my boyfriend enough to not misbehave even though we are miles apart. Put yourself in his shoes, can't you respect that?

My guy still continued pleading and making his case so I asked him why he wanted to be friends and he said i captivated him. As if that's reason enough. I asked what about me captivated him and he was hesitating so I asked if it was my beauty and my body and he said yes. So I retorted that it was a very shallow reason to want to be friends with me and I could easily be a witch or mami water. Before I said good night and walked away. 

Sigh. If I recorded every conversation I've had with some of these male corpers, I think I'll be able to write a book 

Camp Diary: Day 9

I'm getting frustrated. I really don't like the attention I'm getting at camp and I feel like crying. Why won't these people let me not march? Is it by force to march or is it now a curse to be "tall and fine"? Apparently I can't let my God given gift go to waste so since I'm not doing miss NYSC I should be part of those marching. Ugh I feel like walking out of camp and damning the consequences...

Today, a group of female guards called me and were questioning me. After asking my state and responding, one retorted "oh the terrorism state", I was irritated. And not because of what she said but the tone with which she said it. Excuse me, is that what we are known for now? Or is that our only identity? Msheeeewn 

Camp Diary: Day 8

Dear diary, I think I'm becoming razz. When did I start speaking Yoruba? Beau is going to deny me when I get home :(. Blame it on the fact that I sleep opposite a room full of Yoruba women who think the dorm is a market square. They shout all the time. Lord save my ear drums. And the next room are always fighting over stolen goods. It is well

The soldiers won't let me be, they've made up their mind that I must match on POP day, despite my messing up on purpose. Arghhhhhhh I don't want to!! Oh and I ended up in handcuffs, LOL. Don't worry, platoon joke, nothing serious 

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Camp Diary: Day 7

I lost my voice yesterday cheering my platoon boys and I'm glad to say it wasn't in vain. We won the match and now I must nurse my sore throat and the flu I got three days ago :(

Guess who I saw today? Yup, soldier man sadly. I sat miles away from him to avoid any body contact. Can't understand the need to talk to me and touch me at the same time. Just irritating. He said stuff, I didn't listen. He needs to get that I'm not his wife neither am I interested. Gladly, my friends came to my rescue for they noticed my body language and came to seat beside me. Still soldier man didn't take a hint to leave even with my one word answers and slow reply. Ahh Ma fo e lori. Ki lo de?

Friday, 14 November 2014

Camp Diary: Day 6

My skin is reacting already to this place. I noticed some irritations and I've been breaking out on my face *sigh*. My first allowee is going to spent at Priscilla's Pride's spa as soon as I get home. I'll need a full body exfoliation peel... Yep

Oh I've cut off Soldier man, blocked his number although I ran into him at mami market. I think he thinks I'm his wife because nothing else can explain this needy behaviour 

We did our obstacle and assault course and I'm still here, alive and not paralysed or worse dead. Praise be to God. Only thing is I broke my left big toe nail in half. Kinda hurts. 
You won't believe what happened in my platoon today. Because our commandant is nice some people took advantage and didn't show up. As a result he was upset and had us punished by another commandant who had us frog- March (a cross section between matching and frog jumping) and then in our white on white he made us sit on the floor and March with our asses. LOL 

Camp Diary: Day 5

Today is a Sunday, I slept in till 7 and woke up happy. Yes, I finally got eight hours sleep. Although it was a free day, my platoon was in charge of kitchen activities. I have now discovered that I have a promising career as a mama put *LMAO* 

So while serving lunch, my platoon leader (who is one of those oversabis we had in secondary school who never grew up) called me "honey" and referred to me as his wife. I didn't realise when my attitude switched up from friendly to bitchy. I'm nice but don't take advantage of that. I don't even talk to him, I had only one conversation with him and I'm pretty sure he would have never looked at me twice had he not found out I was an international student from my record... Tsk 

Camp Diary: Day 4

It's a Saturday, my friend visited me with home cooked food. Thank God. I've abstained from every meat because I know bush rat/meat is very popular here in Benue 😕. And I would really not like to be the new case study for Ebola in this country. Just saying... Oh I made more friends today. I think I make new friends every day lol 

One lady asked me why I was so nice. And I asked her if I was supposed to be rude and she said yes. People who study outside and come to places like this are usually rude. Hmmmm.....

Camp diary: Day 3

Remember how I said I saw a hole I suspected to be a snake's? Well it was officially confirmed at the parade ground today that there are reptiles on the compound. 
Somebody get me out of here!!!!!!! Seriously. I hate snakes, can't stand them and to think that they could be lurking around ...😩

Today, soldier man slapped three small boys in front of me. I've never been more appalled in my life. I had a soldier uncle growing up that I was never fond of because of his violent outbursts. Although hate is a strong word I disliked his brashness and I automatically put soldiers into a category. Sadly. I know we should abstain from stereotypes but he did nothing to change my mind. 

In the few seconds of that slap and my mouth hanging low, my attitude towards him switched from friendly to irritated. How could I see him as a guardian if he slapped civilians as he liked. Because those boys did nothing, they just didn't run when he called them. But what was the use of running if they were just five steps away?

Hanging out in the cool evening where I usually charge my phone, I've learnt some really disturbing facts about some cultures in my country. It hurts my ears to hear of this young teacher's struggle with his students. Most of the females who are just in ss2 are married women with kids. Many of which are below the standard expectation for a senior student as they are taught in the native language. However the one that shocks me is the other man's experience in Calabar. This is a place known for its sexual notoriety, I mean we've all heard "Ekaette" and watched nollywood movies but I didn't expect to hear this other side. Young girls getting pregnant because it's an abomination to be single. And how married women go around sleeping with other men with the permission of their husbands. As long as they don't impregnate them. How horrifying. He goes on to give me an example of this girl sleeping with a corper, who didn't even know his name. So when she go pregnant and gave birth to a boy, she named him "corper". Is this really how our country should be? At this point, I'm glad my eyes are being open to some of the things that go on outside abuja and "elitist" circles. Why should schools be teaching in their native language? Why isn't basic education free to secondary level by now? The level of illiteracy in this country is damaging our human development and it shouldn't be allowed to go further. Right there and then, I said a prayer to God to show me ways in which I can use my privilege to help others and there are so many of us out there that can do so much for the unopportuned ones, if we just chose to leave our comfort zone. 

Camp diary: Day 2 Still

The hustling still continues to get out of here. However everything I've tried hasn't worked out so far. Can you imagine my frustration? I'm still persistent though, pulling all the strings I can find... That is until I get an epiphany or what I've assumed is one. 

On getting back to the dorms after an unsuccessful morning, I get a phone call from my mum and she says maybe this is God and he wants me to learn something and I should try to change my mindset and see it that way. At this point I'm crying and trying to make sure my dorm members don't notice. What she said is true, probably. I've tried everything and it's not working out, it can only mean God has shut the door from above and it probably cannot be opened anymore. 

As if that wasn't clear enough, I open my journal and find something I wrote on 6th July. 

"Promise yourself 
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. 
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to everyone you meet
To make your friends feel 
That there is something in them 
To look at the sunny side of everything 
And make your optimism come true. 
To think only the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. 
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. 
To forget the mistakes of the past
And press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times 
And give every living creature you meet a smile. 
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself 
That you have no time to criticise others. 
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. 
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
Not in loud words but great deeds. 
To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
So long as you are true to the best that is in you"
- Christian D. Larson

Couldn't be just coincidence that it's the first thing I saw when I opened my diary right? Probably a secret message from God... As if that wasn't enough, my mum called me saying the same thing that it's probably God's plan since we tried so hard to change it and it's not working out. That He probably has me here to learn a thing or two after all nothing just happens. By now I'm fully convinced that it is in fact my fate to stay at camp and I'm slowly making my peace with it. Plus, isn't that we always preach? Change your mind, change your life? Can't always be for the good days...

Friday, 7 November 2014

Camp Diary: Day 2

I barely slept last night. There was a crying baby opposite my.... Ok that's number one. I didn't even have a room. I was sleeping on the corridors, sigh. And what was that awful smell haunting the corridors. I knew this was it... This was as bad as it could get right? 

Back to the crying baby. A part of me wanted to go carry the baby and bounce him around, another part of me wanted to go scream at the camp officials for not exempting the poor mother. Is this any place for a toddler with the germ infested environment. Ugh, and we wonder why our infant mortality rate is up? The ignorance.

So my bed... There's almost no difference between my body and the spring. Well who cares right? I have a bed to sleep on but I was so conscious of my surrounding that I woke up at 2:57 and waited to go shower. Little did I know what was waiting for me in the normal bathroom since I didn't go to the "special bathroom", which you paid to use. At least that was cleaner. Truth is, I was terrified to walk there alone, especially since it was dark, close to the soldiers quarters and three I could have sworn I saw a snake hole when I was walking there last night. Maybe it was my paranoia. And I didn't want to call the soldier helping me since I didn't want to put myself in any risky position. 

Therefore, I had to resort to showering outside with a million other girls. I have seen more naked bodies than some of you men would ever see in your lifetime. I have different body shapes etched in my memory now, not that I was looking. Unfortunately for me, I didn't have a bucket talk more of water, since I hadn't planned on staying. However I had packed my things for camp. You know what they say, hope for the best prepare for the worst. Just that, I had forgotten to pack a bucket while preparing for the worst. But there was this kind angel, I am convinced she's an angel because I'm yet to find her on campus again. She offered me a bucket filled with water. Although our meeting makes me question divine visitations as she was asking me where she could do "her business" outside. Yikes... 
I made a mental note to be weary of where I stepped around the hostel. 

On going to the parade ground, we were there from 4 till 8, doing God knows what. Soldiers shouting orders in the cold while we half grudgingly complied. A slim girl started talking to me, at first I was grateful for the company then my body remembered it was not a morning person and got tired of replying her. No that's not it, she wouldn't stop talking nor would she stop trying to read the messages I was replying from last night which I just found rude. Plus she kept touching me inappropriately even when I moved away. I'm not here to spend 14 years in jail, I had already done 14 hours in a hell hole....

Camp Diary: Day 1

When my uncle and I arrived at the NYSC camp and I walked into the campus, I knew right there and then there was no way I wanted to stay behind. I resolved in my mind to do everything possible to not stay at camp. I mean it's one thing being at camp with friends but it's a whole different story when you're in a different state and you know absolutely no one on camp. Plus you came late so you missed the "making friends session" that usually occurs on the first day. 

So I started with the up and down, trying to stay positive and calm. One hour down, no problem. After all, it was just 11am. 

But when 6pm clocked and I barely finished registration, I knew I wanted to kill someone. I had cried, gotten angry, prayed, felt depressed and finally gave up. I was going to have to spend the night despite my "health conditions" that would get me out of camp. The absolute worst. 

Camp was hideous. It was filthy. The staff were not the friendliest, well except one lady in my platoon who managed to make us feel at home despite how strange our new surrounding was. The hostel had an awful smell and don't get me started on the bathrooms. But I was glad I hadn't been subjected to the humiliation of carrying my box on my head, frog jumping or kneeling down with my hands up/holding my lips. How any on those contribute to "serving the nation", I do not know. 

Fortunately I was entrusted in the care of a soldier who we had met at the gate and hit it off with. I was somewhat embarrassed with the attention it got me, he barked at everyone in my way and led me everywhere, "chancing" people at the bathroom, food stalls and the electronic stall for charging your phone. After a shower and a good cry later, I told myself it wasn't that bad. I mean camp isn't the worst thing at night when you get to hang out at mammy market. Everyone's loosed and relaxed with no soldiers barking down commands/insults at you. Plus, the sun's gone down and the temperature is just perfect to be out at night. 

Regardless... I told myself one night and that was it. I had had enough camp experience, after all I did do man-o-war. I had gone through all the emotions one could in just a day and I was just about prepared to get out. Imagine my horror when one night turned to ..... 

Awon Corpers

As most of you know it's corper season, yet another batch has been deployed for orientation camp. Much to my chagrin, I was deployed to.... (Drum roll) Benue. Although we true everything to change it, my fate was sealed. I would still have to attend camp and register before being redeployed. I decided that this could be a blessing in disguise, well I had to be persuaded but eventually I made my peace with the fact that I was here at camp, alone, in a state I've never been to before. Luckily, I had a lot of Benue friends in high school so I'm not alone, alone. Haha anyways, I'm keeping a camp diary and I'll love to share this journey with you. You would have to bear with me as the device is terrible so posts might not appear as frequent as you would like. 

Feel free to share your NYSC camp experience with me too. I'll love to post about it, if you want. 

Sunday, 2 November 2014

I miss you

I hated how busy he was
And I hated how much time I had on my hands to notice that,
It made me feel needy
And I hated that more 
I hated how emotional I got over every cancelled date or that I only got thirty minutes in a day to see him,
If I was that lucky 
I envied my little sisters and their puppy love
Chatting away every minute and getting replies
Whereas I slept off waiting for a returned call or a replied message 
I hated this new phase 
But wasn't that part of being in an adult relationship?
Worse, I hated our fights 
We had come to this new place of misunderstanding 
He was stressed, I felt neglected 
I never meant to let things get this way
I just needed him and he couldn't be there
I guess he needed me too
And we found ourselves struggling with new responsibilities among other things
We just weren't prepared for the sacrifices we would have to make
Including us....