Friday, 29 December 2017

The Ugly Green Eyed Monster

I’m the excited friend, I’m the one who screams her lungs out at your good news. Actually shriek is a better way of saying that, cause it’s more high pitched and could cause momentary deafness. I’m the friend you usually call to share your news with because my genuine excitement would motivate you. I didn’t crown myself that friend, the people around me put that label on me. All along I thought I was just rejoicing with a friend but they said I was the kind of friend they would call with their news first because of the reaction they knew it would get out of me. And hearing that made me happy, knowing that they knew I wouldn’t hold any bitter feelings towards their progress in life. 

So tell me, how did I find myself unconsciously making room for the green eyed monster aka envy recently? And what's funny is, jealousy sometimes creeps up on you without you realizing so. It starts with a sense of entitlement, like what about me Lord? Why isn't that my news? I do everything right.... I recently found that all of my friends were in successful relationships and most likely getting married in the coming months and I felt alone. ALL of my friends and I kid you not are in a relationship and moving on, and it made me feel lonely. It wasn’t that I was pining for a relationship, I just wanted my friends. They were either always on dates or on a call. I felt lonely because I felt like I was being deserted for their significant other. I remember this one day when I just needed a friend and everyone I called was busy. I genuinely felt deserted and I may or may not have shed a tear. But thank God for Jesus (cue hymn “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”). I’m realizing more and more to take my emotionally needy ass to Jesus and less to humans. 

Anyways, back to the green eyed monster. Because I missed the companionship of my friends, it bred room for a little resentment and jealousy of their new found loves. Especially a friend of mine who I had gifted date coupons to because her love life had suffered a major hit. When I gave her those coupons, I had no ulterior motive, it was genuinely because I wanted to be there for her so she wouldn't feel a love vacuum in her life. But it wasn’t till I went through a rough emotional patch (not related to a man -_-) that I realized that maybe I need a date coupon to be redeemed so I could have someone to pour out my heart to. She found a man and she never redeemed the coupons and really that’s where the jealousy came in. I didn’t feel needed, I felt like just cause she had a new man, she didn’t need me as friend to be her “pseudo-boyfriend”. And it sucked. I’ll be honest with you it was a terrible place to be in. There was so much on my mind but all my friends seemed so happy that I didn't want to burden them with what was wrong. I would be with this group of friends and still feel lonely because I had no one to talk to about it. 

How could I, the genuinely excited friend, be seen as struggling with a little bit of jealousy? That was weakness, and it couldn’t be shown. So I struggled till I believe the Holy Spirit pointed out that “you my lovely seem to be dealing with the ugly spirit of jealousy”. It’s amazing what a simple prayer can do and admitting the problem. Anyways, I’ve dealt with it Prayer-wise and here I am sharing this little problem that I had because I know, it just can’t be me who has found themselves battling the green eyed monster at some point in their life. Anyone care to share how they dealt with jealousy? 

Ps it is true what they say, misery loves company. Not that I want everyone to be single with me oh.

Pps it is also true that the first step to healing is admitting you have a problem. Had I continued in denial of this green eyed monster, I would never have been able to admit that there was a problem and the Holy Spirit won’t have been able to help me. Sorry, non spiritual folks. 

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